July 3, 2025

For the longest time, I thought I was the only one addicted to a “supplement.” But my life changed forever when I discovered the wonderful, powerful force that is the Quitting Kratom Community.

I didn’t need extracts for Kratom to bring me to my lowest. I was strictly a capsule user from 2017-2021. It was introduced to me by a friend who knew I was into vitamins, supplements, basically anything “healthy” that wasn’t big pharma, but promised to help with my mental health. I suffer from cPTSD and OCD, and growing up I had severe anxiety problems. So of course, some people close to me thought that medication was required, which began my journey with benzodiazepines, SSRIs, etc.

Eventually, I wanted out. I resented the fact that I needed medication just to be normal, happy, or functioning. I figured out how to taper off my meds safely and with minimal withdrawal, then began my search for holistic alternatives once I realized I really couldn’t raw dog life like I wanted to.

When I found Kratom, I thought I discovered a hidden gem. My friend gave me the rest of the capsules in his bag and because I had taken opioids before, when I felt that same buzz after taking Kratom, my first thoughts were “no way,” and “how is this even legal?” I thought for sure it wouldn’t be long before it was banned and removed from shelves, so I “enjoyed” it while it lasted.

I’m sure a lot of you are familiar with the slow burn. Kratom is fun until it isn’t, until it inevitably turns on you. I used to think I was so powerful with my secret life hack. I didn’t have to eat, I became more talkative, I thought I was more motivated than ever (in between the involuntary naps, of course). On top of it all, I was high all the time. It really couldn’t have gotten any better. Until it got way, way worse.

I became clinically underweight. I planned the little I did eat around Kratom so that I could dose on an empty stomach to maximize the effects. I started losing my hair. My skin lost its color, and I looked like a beady-eyed grey alien. I was so exhausted from the constant stream of Kratom and lack of food in my system that I experienced exhaustion on a higher level that was never previously experienced. So tired that I couldn’t open my eyes all the way, and I was prone to falling asleep unexpectedly because my body couldn’t handle the stress I was putting it through just to take Kratom.

I bought a larger purse so I could fit more Kratom in it. I rotated smoke shops to avoid embarrassment of how frequently I needed to purchase Kratom. I could not do anything before or without Kratom. Everything I did revolved around my dosing, and I would go to great lengths to make sure I would not miss a dose, which includes taking my capsules out in the open in a public bathroom using the faucet for water to swallow them all. I didn’t care who saw. The only thing I cared about was whether or not I had my Kratom.

I started to become annoyed at how much I had to increase my dose just to get the same effect as before. I plateaued at 50 GPD, which is 100 capsules per day. It is disgusting to think about the steady stream of green dirt constantly being pumped into my system. Eventually, my body would start to reject the doses, and I would throw up, but then swallow the same capsules again as to not waste a dose. I betrayed my body over and over. And for what?

Eventually I got to a point in which I realized my Kratom lifestyle was actually a diseased addiction and I needed to stop, but I couldn’t go more than a few hours past a regular dose because I would start to get insanely uncomfortable. I recognized I needed help to quit, so I arranged for myself to go to detox hours away from my home, just to ensure that no one would know what was going on with me. I was so embarrassed that I was addicted to a “vitamin.”

When I got there, the intake staff did not know what Kratom was. In fact, none of the staff knew what it was. There was only one person I met in rehab that knew of it and he was a fellow client. The staff didn’t mean to do this, but their lack of knowledge about Kratom resulted in me feeling like I was exaggerating my Kratom problem. There was people in their for crack, alcohol, meth…and I was in there for Kratom.

I left after only 3 days. The withdrawal wasn’t so bad because they gave me meds to get me through it more comfortably. But I went right back to regular use, picking up more Kratom on the way home from detox. I essentially threw away $800. That’s how much a 3-day detox cost me, even with insurance. But I left feeling reassured that I didn’t have a real problem. Kratom was just unknown and misunderstood. It’s fine, and I’m fine.

It didn’t take long for me to get back up to my 100 capsules per day habit. I was quickly reminded of why I made the decision to try and detox of off this stuff in the first place. But I felt helpless. If inpatient treatment didn’t work for me, then what would?

I tried to quit myself so many times. Once I got past the first few days, I would become hopeful that it was THE quit, but I would relapse once the mental symptoms kicked in. I didn’t know it was going to end or get better if I stuck with Kratom sobriety. I didn’t know anybody else that took it or had the same problem as me.

Eventually, I found the subreddit r/quittingkratom and hung onto it for dear life. I posted daily and commented on other posts as much as I could. Until one day, I received a DM from someone promoting their Kratom recovery meetings. I happened to receive the message on the same day the meeting was occurring, just an hour before it started. I thought to myself, I literally have nothing to lose at this point by going.

When I got there, I told myself I would keep my camera off and stay silent. Until I saw all the people pouring in—were there really this many Kratom addicts here? They were organized, kind, and supportive. And best of all, they all knew what Kratom was.

My first Kratom meeting was a Speaker Meeting. A young woman shared her story about how she was addicted to Kratom during her PhD dissertation. She talked about doing so many of the same things I did, which included going to great lengths to hide the addiction from others. I got goosebumps. I got the chills. I think I even cried, because I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. That it wasn’t my fault. Not entirely, anyways. There were others like me, and they wanted to help me.

On that day, I quit. I finally received what I needed all along, and that was peer support for Kratom specifically. I needed validation that I wasn’t crazy or defective. I needed people who understood what I was going through to help keep me accountable and to show me that it IS possible to have a life after Kratom.

I won’t lie and say it was smooth sailing after that. After nearly two years of clean time, I relapsed, and a part of the reason it happened was I felt like I didn’t need the support anymore. I stopped engaging and going to meetings. Kratom was behind me for good and I knew for sure I would never put myself through that again, but I did. And of course, the community took me back in with open arms, and I haven’t left since.

This month, I will be 1 year Kratom-free—again. And I used to tell myself, “Maybe I’ll need Kratom forever,” But that wasn’t true, and I thank myself daily for finding the strength through community to leave Kratom behind. Come to a meeting and say hi—you don’t have to do this alone.

-Hilary 🐈‍⬛

Blog Posts